Jealousy

Hi, I’m zepp. I identify in many different ways but have found comfort in calling myself fluid, never really settling with one label or category. I’m passionate about sex education and empowerment. I'm currently training for an organization that provides services to survivors of partner abuse. My other interests include giant squids, wearing mustaches, and laughing at the History channel. Oh and I like giving sass and being colorful.


Sometimes I feel as though jealousy is treated like something that is to be avoided and denied. While it is an awful feeling I don’t believe it’s something to be ashamed of. It’s a normal feeling, just an ugly one. What I've learned is that acknowledging jealousy is a lot easier than pretending it isn't there.

For a very long time I believed I could not possibly be poly because I thought of myself as a jealous person. But monogamy didn’t feel right for me. So my route was to just have casual sex. I learned two things from that: 1. I really love sex and 2. Jealousy can affect anyone in any kind of relationship.

Since those two realizations I’ve been in and out of a handful of relationships. The jealousy I felt has decreased over time. I wasn’t actively working on it. Instead I was working on my self-esteem. I can’t claim to love myself 100% of the time – we all have our down days, right? – but I’ve come a long way. I wish I could tell my past self that I would one day learn to accept and love my body. Since that isn’t possible I can only be grateful for where I am today.

Being able to realize that the majority of my jealousy was stemming from my own insecurities was a huge step. It (for the most part) was not related to something my partners did or did not do. This has made me feel more comfortable and happy in indentifying as poly.

All that said I still have moments where I feel jealous. I don’t know why I ever thought poly people were or had to be immune to jealousy. The reason I am writing this now is because poly is a part of my identity but I can still become jealous. And lately I have been feeling that awful, ugly feeling. Even after all I've learned I’ve been denying my jealousy. So I feel the need to call attention to it, remember what I’ve learned.

Like before I know some of it can be linked to insecurity and because I have my down days like anyone else this can happen. I’ve also noticed that I can simply be in a bad mood. I may have had a bad day and am in need of a nap. That is sure to make me feel like crap and thus more likely to get jealous.

There are times where I just need attention. So when I feel like this is the case I will often plan a date or flirt with someone. If it’s attention from a specific partner that I’m looking for then I try to explain to that person that my needs aren’t being met. Maybe it’s a matter of needing more time, play, or a date.

Jealousy of a partner’s partner also happens. This is my least favorite to deal with. But I’ve found it helps tremendously to get to know that person. It makes them more personable and I’ll likely gain a friend. Sometimes I just don’t need to know all the details about what my partner is doing. Someone recently explained they feel similarly and said they believe, “If you need to know, ask. If you need to share, share.” That said sometimes sharing can be fun and hot!

Lastly, I know it’s very hard to get out of the habit of comparing oneself to others. Just because my partner is seeing someone new does not mean I am no longer wanted. And just because my partner comments on how hot someone is doesn’t make me any less hot. I could go on and on. I am intelligent, beautiful, and funny. I need to remember that I am a valuable person and always have something to offer.