Wednesday, April 18, 2012

A Message From Your Craftsman

I've had just about enough...
by Jesse

Dear, sweet my babies...

Over the course of the last two months I've complained on occasion of being unable to confound y'all with a toy. Most recently, I had built a bike tube flogger with 25 tubes in the fall and an additional 8 or 9 in the handle styling. I delivering it to Chained Desires of Mount Vernon confident that no one would buy it. Ever. As I reported, it was purchased within 6 hours of being dropped off, and the customer stated the intention of commissioning a piece with 60 tubes in the fall after training with the piece he bought. I was confused, and pissed...however, I'm done stamping my feet. Not one to give up on a lofty goal, I'm here to issue an ultimatum. I intend to start work on a ultra-doupleplus-no seriously-extra heavy class bike tube flogger. The one-off class name is Centurion Special: The End. Here're some specs:

100 thin bike tubes, halved...cut to ~60 degree angles (total: 200 falls)

Handle stock:
~3-4' tempered hardwood replacement shovel handle (cut from the end to incorp. the tooled curve)

Handle styling:
~3sq.' lead flashing, 10-15 bike tubes for handle wrap (standard spiral), shaping and weighting

The piece will take me some time to complete. In particular, the piece will take me many, many hours to build. The material input will be fucking staggering. If this prospect delights you for some perverse reason, and you feel inspired to ask me how much it will cost, I will simply tell you 'all of the money.' I will only ever build one this size. If someone actually comes up with all of the money, and gives it to me in exchange for the piece, I might never build a toy again. Alternatively, I might say "what? Oh, yeah...fine. You're weird.", complete the transaction and continue whatever I was working on beforehand. It's literally impossible to tell. It's the future. Regardless, the piece will exist (likely just for the purposes of gawking at) by the time AgAg works another conference.

That is all.


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